Hating myself.

Self harm

2011-10-31T14:50:00.000-07:00

I did it a few years later and I stopped but tonight I did it again. I just don't know why.. Ah. I took a razor blade out of a cheap shaving razor.. I don't wanna look like I fell in a bush or something because people tend to ask question. I find the scars on hands beautiful tho.

31.10.

2011-10-31T14:47:00.000-07:00

Breakfast:
- egg (on butter)
- 1 half of a small hot dog sausage
- 1/4 of tomato

Snack:
- tangerine

Lunch:
-beef soup
- a little of pork
- a little of potato
- cabagge salad

Snack:
- tangerine

Dinner:
- cabbage salad

FUUUUUUCK, today was a mess. I had to eat because my family is at home :/ they are here tomorrow toooooooooooo i'm gonna die

Yay-.-

2011-10-31T01:22:00.000-07:00

I actually made a new blog in september but now i can't go there so i have to go back to this one -.-

So I'm following a new diet:
Step 1: (One week)
* 1000 cals a day
* 100 crunches a day
* 2 hours running a week
Step 2: (One week)
* 500 cals a day
* If eaten more -> Vomit!
* 200 crunches a day
* 30 minutes swimming/cycling/skating/dancing a day
* Take weight loss pills ( I can't do that because of my heart..)
Step 3: (One week)
* 500 calories a day
* Vomit after every meal!
* 250 crunches a day
* 2 hours running a week
* 1 hour swimming/cycling/skating/dancing a day
Step 4:
live healthy forever

So I will post what I ate in the day. BYE BLOG

Love problems of my life

2011-09-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

I know this guy for a year and a half. He lives far away so we don't see each other often, but we talk almost everyday through facebook, phone and stuff like that. He's the best person I know. I love him. I think about him all the time. But I'm so afraid to tell him that. I'm so afraid because my friend fell for him. And she told him that. He said that it was so awkward. She's not even ugly. I'm wondering if he loves any girl. I don't know how to tell him that I want to be more than friends to him. He ALWAYS texts me first. I just want him.
We once spoke to each other on skype for 5 hours and we laughed for no reason for just laughing at each other.

It's hard.

It' going okay.

2011-09-16T12:17:00.001-07:00

So, I lost my weight. You can also see that when you look at my belly;it's almost gone, my hips are more skinny and I also noticed that I lost a bit of boobs. But that's okay. I'll go on with that.

Tomorrow I start.

2011-09-11T05:23:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I start losing my weight. I got it all figured out. I want a flat belly, I want slim legs. My problem is that i can't workout because I hate health issues so I am losing my weight. My plan is that I eat my breakfast before I go to school the first day just to test it. Then at lunch I will eat only a bit so no one will suspect anything. I have a friend that i hang out with her in school all the time and I think she is anorexic. I wish I were too.
I hate myself, I hate my face. I hate the pimples that occasionally emerge on my ugly face. I hate it that I'm so insecure that I can't go to school without my makeup and my hair done.
I'm sure that no one is reading this but it's so good to express that somewhere. It's so nice.
So I went on pro-ana sites and I got some tips. But I have a problem. I'm worried about my weight losing because I have pills that make my blood not clotted and I if I take too much I can bleed on the inside. And I'm sure my mom will find out that I'm losing my weight. I don't care. I don't care if I end up in hospitals. I've been in hospitals all my childhood. It's so nice. Actually, it wasn't nice when I went to surgery. It was so painful that I thought that I was gonna die.
Anyway, I want to escape this body. I'll add a picture soon so I can see the changes in my imperfect body. My mother told me that I should lose a little weight. What the hell? You don't tell that to your kid.
I'm 168 cm tall and I weight 52 kg. Some people say that that is not huge but my body doesn't look good. I hate my waist and my belly and my legs.
Now I will post this and write another post about my love life.